Bears

“You know, I talked to this old Indian once, like, ten years ago. He was giving out advice. One of the things he said was, ‘If you hear a bear growl at night, it is an ill omen’. I mean, it was phrased differently and in a weird accent, but that’s what it boiled down to. I told him that everyone should know that, because it meant a bear was inside your house. He scowled and left after that. Do you think this bear might be his spirit animal?”

The other two were quiet for a minute before Jesse turned toward me and said, “So, your smart ass is what is going to get us killed by a grizzly? I knew that when we were kids, I just figured it would be a cop or Russians. A bear kind of caught me by surprise.” She slid down the door until she sat on the ground leaning against it. Standing next to her, also leaning, I pat her on the head.

“If it makes you feel any better, I think technically it’s death by Indian. I think he becomes the bear or something.” She scrunched up her face and thought about it, and it got quiet except for the sound of the bear rooting around downstairs.

A few minutes passed before Mark stood up and walked to the front of the door.

“I’m gonna fight that bear.”

Jesse and I both looked up at the same time, but her brain processed “What?” faster.

Mark was stretching his arms and responded, “I’m tired of waiting here. It’s boring. I’ll go fight the bear.”

I walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. “Look, man. I know this has been one of your dreams, but seriously, when we get back home, I’ll contact a circus with a trained bear and you can fight that one. I’ll even hire someone to play the banjo. I’ll hire Kenny Chesney to play the banjo for you while you fight that bear. And we’ll have an ambulance nearby. Let’s just wait this one out.”

“We’ve been waiting up here for two hours. I’m bored.”

Jesse looked at me. “Is he crazy?”

I thought for a second. “No, he’s not crazy. He’s really sane. He just gets bored. I think the only thing he won’t do is stuff like skydiving and bungee jumping. He has arachnophobia of heights.”

“Uh, fear of spiders of heights?”

Jesse cleared up my misconception of how phobias worked.

This is all I do anymore

The Abscondant Hobo: So, I got in a fight with this guy, right?
The Abscondant Hobo: Well, wasn't really a guy. More like a little girl.
The Abscondant Hobo: But she was pretty beefy. like, 5'4, 100 lbs.
The Abscondant Hobo: Mean right hook
The Abscondant Hobo: Anyway
The Abscondant Hobo: I got in a fight with her.
The Abscondant Hobo: Turns out that if you tie a rocket to a little girl's doll, set it off, and pretend it's the Challenger, she gets mad. So does her grandmother.
The Abscondant Hobo: Well, needless to say, betwen the two if them I got my ass kicked.
The Abscondant Hobo: So I'm sitting in the hospital half doped up on morphine and I look next to me, and who do I see?
The Abscondant Hobo: David Bowie.
The Abscondant Hobo: I never found out what he was doing there, but he took me on a magical journey through the bathroom mirror to a land inhabited by wonderous creatures
The Abscondant Hobo: At one point we were being flown through a starry sky that was all the colors of the rainbow, his Bowie Arms gently keeping me from falling off the giant Eagledragon, when we were attacked by the Campbellians, a radical sect of Bruce Campbell fans.
The Abscondant Hobo: The Eagledragon fell and I was separated from Bowie. All I could do was scream as I fell from the clouds
The Abscondant Hobo: I passed out on the way down and woke up in a small shack in the woods, a beautiful woman caring for me.
The Abscondant Hobo: My entire body was wrapped in giant banana leaves. I spent eight days recovering. By that point, the leaves had become one with my skin.
The Abscondant Hobo: When I returned to town, everyone saw me as a monster. A police officer tried to baton me, but the banana leaves turned my skin into a thick armor.
The Abscondant Hobo: Eh, ok, I'm tired now.