Bears

“You know, I talked to this old Indian once, like, ten years ago. He was giving out advice. One of the things he said was, ‘If you hear a bear growl at night, it is an ill omen’. I mean, it was phrased differently and in a weird accent, but that’s what it boiled down to. I told him that everyone should know that, because it meant a bear was inside your house. He scowled and left after that. Do you think this bear might be his spirit animal?”

The other two were quiet for a minute before Jesse turned toward me and said, “So, your smart ass is what is going to get us killed by a grizzly? I knew that when we were kids, I just figured it would be a cop or Russians. A bear kind of caught me by surprise.” She slid down the door until she sat on the ground leaning against it. Standing next to her, also leaning, I pat her on the head.

“If it makes you feel any better, I think technically it’s death by Indian. I think he becomes the bear or something.” She scrunched up her face and thought about it, and it got quiet except for the sound of the bear rooting around downstairs.

A few minutes passed before Mark stood up and walked to the front of the door.

“I’m gonna fight that bear.”

Jesse and I both looked up at the same time, but her brain processed “What?” faster.

Mark was stretching his arms and responded, “I’m tired of waiting here. It’s boring. I’ll go fight the bear.”

I walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. “Look, man. I know this has been one of your dreams, but seriously, when we get back home, I’ll contact a circus with a trained bear and you can fight that one. I’ll even hire someone to play the banjo. I’ll hire Kenny Chesney to play the banjo for you while you fight that bear. And we’ll have an ambulance nearby. Let’s just wait this one out.”

“We’ve been waiting up here for two hours. I’m bored.”

Jesse looked at me. “Is he crazy?”

I thought for a second. “No, he’s not crazy. He’s really sane. He just gets bored. I think the only thing he won’t do is stuff like skydiving and bungee jumping. He has arachnophobia of heights.”

“Uh, fear of spiders of heights?”

Jesse cleared up my misconception of how phobias worked.